The Job Search
by Yellowfur
Summary: -National Lampoon's Animal House- Katy makes Boon get a job, and his Delta brothers follow his lead. They're the employees and coworkers you heard hellish stories about it, but never actually thought you'd be cursed with... until now!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own _Animal House_. **

**This was originally just one rather large oneshot, but I decided to split it up into three chapters so it would be a little easier on the readers' brains, and so it could be on the front page more (I could therefore whore for more attention for my fanfics yet again). **

**So yeah... looks like I'm consistently the only one writing _Animal House_ fanfiction. Not that this will ever stop me. Okay? I better not hear your flames making fun of this fact. You can make fun of everything else, but at least make it a little bit of a shock to my system.**

**Oh, and one more thing that I think I am going to reiterate later: this humor is kinda different than the movie. It's a little more... cartoonish and... jerky, maybe? I don't how to describe it. **

**Anyways, I'll shut up and now. Enjoy it (pfft).**

--

"What are you doing?!" Otter asked Boon, staring at the newspaper in his hand in disgust. "_Reading_ the _paper_? When have you ever read the paper?"

Boon shrank back into the secondhand couch in the Delta House living room. "It's not my fault! Katy's making me do this!" He was whining.

"What part are you reading?"

Boon's face dropped and he looked to the side in shame.

"Come on. Tell me what you're reading."

"No! Never!"

"Give me that!" He grabbed it away.

"Nooooooo!"

"EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW."

--

"A job?!" Bluto shouted in utter anger and disgust. "What, we're not good enough for you?"

Boon held the Help Wanted section protectively to his chest. "No, no, it's not that! Really! It has nothing to do with-"

"OH! You need cash? Or something else?" Bluto looked suddenly understanding. "Oh, hey, that's different. Later on we'll go shopping at Omega House and-"

"No, it's not about- well, it kind of is, but I'm not the one who came up with the idea."

"You said Katy came up with the idea," Otter looked triumphant. He was spreading word of Boon's job hunt all over the house. "Did you know the average Boon is only allowed to think for himself twice a day?"

Boon's mouth dropped in shock. "That… that was unnecessary."

"So your girl actually wants you to get a job?" D-Day was flipping through the Classifieds, but he was actually searching for ads for weaponry and cheap Swiss whores. "Yech, why?"

"I'm not entirely sure. She said we should start saving up money. I mean, I'm broke, but _she's_ not. I don't know why she thinks she needs money… she said she highlighted job listings in there that she thinks I should specially consider. What's highlighted?"

D-Day opened it up for him to see. "Just this one at a daycare." He laughed as he said it.

"What's a daycare?" asked another Delta who had come into the kitchen to get a beer. He didn't care enough to stay for the answer.

"A _daycare_?! What do I know about _kids_?" Boon grabbed the paper as if it had personally insulted him and inspected the ad. "Yeah! This is some weird job for me to go over and wipe noses! Why would I do that? Is the pay outrageous or something? ... No, it's totally ordinary!"

"I can't even remember the last time I _saw_ a kid," Bluto said. He took a swig of his third beer that morning. "Of course, I can't remember what we did yesterday."

"Hey guys! Whatcha doin'?" Flounder's annoying morning person voice interrupted their meaningful conversation.

"Job hunting," Otter answered.

"Drinking!" Another Delta said.

"Realizing my girlfriend of a long amount of time actually doesn't know anything about me," Boon was still staring at the job offer.

"I already have a job!" Flounder said, still smiling with innocent cheerfulness. "Over at that fast food place. I just applied a few days ago. I start today, in fact! It should be fun."

"Hey, wait, what do you do over there?" Bluto asked, curiosity appearing out of nowhere.

"Well, I take orders, and I put meals together for people. I answer customers' questions, sometimes I mop the floors and clear the tables, and I tell the homeless guys to go away."

"… Do you get free food?"

"Well, you can't just eat food for free," He laughed a little, the laugh of the naive. "But I guess you could get an employee discount."

"When are you going to work?"

He checked his watch. "In a couple hours. It's still pretty early."

"… How about I go with you? To check out your job?"

"Oh boy! That'd be great!" This filled Flounder with joy; imagine! One of his friends coming to offer support for his aspirations! (Not that the fast food business was his dream job, but it's still pretty cool to have someone come along.)

Otter, tired of not being a focal point of the dialogue, reached over Boon's shoulder and tapped his finger on an ad in the paper. "Hey, look, an ad for yard work. Well, that's plenty simple. Mowing lawns, pulling weeds, pretty easy. _I _could do that. And the address doesn't sound too far from here. What's our address anyway?"

"No clue."

"I'll ask Hoover. _Hoover!_"

Hoover came in with a spring in his step. Obviously another morning person. Where do these people come from, anyway? "Good morning, Otter, everybody! Wow, I see we're up early! Oh, wow, a little early to be drinking, isn't it, Bluto?" He looked at the paper. "Oh! You guys are looking for jobs? That's really responsible of you. I'm impressed! And proud! What are you considering?"

"Yard work," Otter rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"The fast food business!" Flounder exclaimed.

"Free food!" Bluto shouted, despite this not being a job.

"Daycare…"

"_Sleeping_!" Pinto said angrily from the doorway. He stomped away.

"Pinto will be coming with us," Bluto stated.

"Yay!!" Flounder was overjoyed.

"I can't get a job, I've got an appointment," D-Day laughed as he looked at the paper and wrote the down the number under the ad entitled _Sonja Make Happy!_

"I have some work to catch up on, actually, I'll stay here!" Hoover started for a beer. (He usually wasn't one for drinking in the morning, but they were almost gone.)

"Aw, come on, Hoover! It's the weekend!" Otter said. "Besides, you will never, ever be totally caught up."

"Being caught up on your work is actually a myth." Boon supported him.

"Never happened!"

"And never will!"

"Cut it out, you guys. Even if I don't get much work done, I never just hang out inside Delta House on Saturdays. I'm sure it will be fun." Hoover opened the bottle.

"It'll only be fun if you don't participate in the satanic rituals," Boon warned. "Careful. They always make whoever's newest to the ritual group clean up the sacrificial blood splatters."

"Very funny…"

"And D-Day's in charge of catching the squirrels they're going to use."

"Huh what? Quiet, this is a really important call!" D-Day called out from where he was off in the corner on the kitchen phone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter breaks aren't working for me, so I'm trusting you guys have good enough vision that you can see the two little hyphens that indicate scene switches. And that you're smart enough to realize that end of bold means end of author's notes (I know! Logic! I'm sorry!).**

**Boon and Otter are the bestest. NO OBJECTIONS ALLOWED, THEY'RE THE BESTEST.**

**Read-time starts now.**

**--**

"Okay, now you can see how I get things done around here

"Okay, now you can see how I get things done around here!" Flounder oozed enthusiasm. He walked around the counter, clad in a red polo and matching visor with the fast food logo on it. "I just wait behind here for the customers to come. Soon the lunchtime rush will be coming in. It gets kind of exciting, how fast-paced it is!!"

"Come on, Flounder, its fast food. It can't get that exciting." Pinto was far from impressed. He was also somewhat tired-looking. His hair hadn't really been combed that morning and he rubbed his eyes frequently, his sweater kind off drooping off one shoulder. "What can I do?"

"Did you bring a book?"

"_Did I bring a book?_"

Flounder sighed. "Um, just sit in the booths for a minute, I'll ask my manager if there's something you can do. Say, where's Brother Bluto?"

"… We lost him already?"

--

Otter whistled a bit as he looked at the address on his slip of paper. He had just come back from Food King with a can of cheap beer and a shovel. He had no idea what the deal with this job was; maybe they would have tools, maybe they wouldn't. Maybe they would let him take a two-hour lunch break, maybe he would have to do a little negotiating. Maybe there would be a cute girl in the vicinity, maybe he would have to quit after the first day. He did sort of realize that what he was doing probably required more than a shovel, but he didn't really care.

He came to a stop. First part of the address… _well, this is Faber College! That's a plot twist! _He took a second look at the address. _It must be another one of the houses! How about that! I guess I never even thought about the fact that we had a yard._

Otter strolled across the courtyard at a brisk pace. Before he reached the area where the fraternities were, he did the following:

1. Winked at a voluptuous brunette passing by.

2. Said hi to a blonde that said his name affectionately, but her voice and face didn't ring a bell. At all.

3. Said hi to a whole gaggle of tights-wearing girls.

4. Winked at a different girl. Wasn't paying attention to her features at all besides the chest.

5. Dropped the shovel. (He did pick it up… eventually.)

6. Wondered how long it had been since he carried anything or done any matter of physical exertion besides rough sex, since he was already kind of tired.

He looked down the row of houses. _I see ours faintly in the distance… let's see…_ He did a quick count of the houses, looking from them to the paper, and then pursed his lips. _… Must have… counted wrong._ I'll go up to the house and check it out.

He reached his destination. _No. Pssh. No. No way. I'm not doing their yard work._

_THEY DON'T EVEN NEED IT, DAMMIT._

"You there!" A young Omega shouted from a second story window of their pristine white house. "With the shovel! Are you here to do our yard work?"

Just as Otter began to shake his head, the Omega spoke up again. "Wait down there! I'm coming!"

Another leaned his head briefly out the window. "Mmmm, yahhhh!"

_Oh, God, it's those other two Omegas… _Otter took a quick look around to see which direction he should be running in.

--

Boon held up a flashcard. He shouldn't even be with the kids, but just sitting behind the desk was way too boring. Besides, there were no employees around. It's not like they were paying attention to him or the kids for that matter.

"Can you say… _this word_?" This kid was actually kind of cute and he held up the card with enthusiasm. If he got her to learn a new word he would feel like some sort of scholar. Of course, he had no idea how old she was. Maybe she would babble incoherently and drool or maybe she would slap him in the face because the childishly short word insulted her. It could go either way.

She looked at the word. She smiled, babbled incoherently, and drooled.

Boon's face fell. The word was only 'dog'. "Well, I guess I have my answer. Kinda young to be abandoned by your parents in a daycare, aren't you, kid?"

She pointed at the rest of the pile of flashcards.

"Oh! More flashcards! My, you've got quite the work ethic. Can you say… _this word_?" He was filled with renewed hope. Maybe the other word just wasn't her type of word and her skills resided in a different word, one with fewer consonants perhaps.

She pointed at it, laughed, and clapped her hands.

"…You just love building me up and watching me fall, don't you? Let's try it once more." Now he had to force enthusiasm. "Can you say… _this word_?"

She just stared.

He threw it down. "Are you a little retarded?"

--

Flounder shuffled into the men's bathrooms. "Brother Bluto? Hello? Are you in here?"

…

"If you are, just say so, I'll give you some privacy."

The bathrooms were empty.

"Alright."

He shuffled out to check the broom closet.

--

Pinto walked around the kitchen. "Where are you?! Bluto?! Oh no." He knew that Bluto around fryers could mean trouble. The same went for Bluto around refrigerators, Bluto around cash registers, Bluto around customers, and Bluto around people in general. "Please come out of hiding. Or give me a hint!"

No answer.

"I have beer!"

No answer.

"Now that's surprising!"

"EXCUSE ME!" This was not the voice of Bluto, but an angry customer. He couldn't have been much older than Pinto, but was more nicely dressed and his hair was combed. "I have been waiting on line since… I don't know when! I saw your cashier here, then he disappeared! Outrageous! When I was in Philly this type of thing never would have happened."

"Um, I'm sorry?" Pinto came up to the register. The only other worker in the kitchen was some teenage boy working the fryer. He hadn't taken notice of him, Bluto or Flounder yet that day. "Uh, what'll it be, sir?" Pinto forced a smile. This couldn't be that hard of a job. Maybe if he did some work Flounder would give him part of his paycheck.

"Do you have cheese steaks?"

"Ahhh…" Pinto twisted his head around to look at the menu. "Wait… there's a menu up there, why don't you read it?"

"I'm the customer. Plus you're a Delta."

"…_What_?"

--

"Why do you have a shovel?" Guy Who Nods Whenever Marmalard or Neidermeyer Talks asked Otter.

"Because I'm… here to do yard work for you?"

"Oh, I suppose that makes sense. I don't know, I never paid attention to the people Mummy and Daddy hired to do yard work. How about you?" he asked his companion.

"Mmm, muh huuvve nnnnuh deaaaaahhhh."

"Oh, wait, it's spring," GWNWMoNT noted. "That means we need, uh… mowing. The flowers need mowing; they're too rebellious. You can borrow the Pledge Mower." He gestured to a _very_ rusty hand mower in the open garage. "We make them mow a shag carpet with that as part of the pledging process… if they've been good up until that point."

"Is that all I have to do?" Otter looked at it with disdain.

"I'm glad you asked! Of course not!" The Omegas laughed, Rich-looking Guy With Underbite Who Mumbles Everything He Says (In a Vaguely British Fashion) stretching the last noise of his laughter out absurdly long.

"Uh, then what do I have to do?" Otter didn't like the feeling of getting laughed at right in front of his face. It would take some getting used to. And he'd have to do it fast.

"I forget. I'll ask my membership chairman." The Omega darted off to the house.

"NO! Wait! I'll figure it out! Don't get him!" Otter tried desperately, but to no avail. "Oh god. Now he's going to get Neidermeyer."

There was an awkward silence for a minute. Finally, refusing to spend anymore time alone with the weird underbite-stricken Omega, Otter went off to get the lawn mower. "Okay. How does this work? Can't be that hard…" He tried to move it about. "Uuuugh. Come onnn. Mooove. What the hell? What's wrong with this thing?!"

"Well, it's all rusted out, on purpose, of course," A familiar, overly smug voice answered him as he stepped into the driveway. Otter hid his face behind the mower. "You just have to learn to work it. Or you could buy a new one, but it would be coming out of your paycheck. Well? What are you waiting for? GET TO WORK."

As Otter silently prayed for a swift death, he reluctantly shoved the rusted appliance out onto the grass.

"Wait a second! Is that who I think it is?" The voice became less angry and more amused.

"Uh… no…"

"STRATTON! How about that! Doing our yard work!" Neidermeyer, dressed in his usual freakish army-type garb and boots, laughed openly. "Well, that's the last thing I would have expected!"

Otter forced a laugh. "Funny, that's the exact same thing I was thinking a little while ago…!"

"Well, this is just too much. Excuse me, I have to go back inside for a minute."

"What are you doing?" Otter feared the idea of him coming out with a whip.

"I'm going to get the entirety of my household out to watch, of course. Be back in one moment. YOU BETTER BE MOWING THAT LAWN WHEN I COME OUT."

"Noooooo!" (Cue lying on the grass, curling up into the fetal position, waiting for Earth to swallow him up for unconsciousness to take him. Either would have done the trick.)

--

"Can you sayyy… this word?" The word was 'it'.

The little girl stared.

"…Let's try letters instead…"

--

Hoover closed his notebook. Already he had finished all his Psychology and Calculus assignments. A sense of accomplishment gave him energy. He decided he was entitled to a beer.

Hoover started downstairs. Maybe when he got down, he would stay for a while and bond with his Delta buddies.

But as he started downstairs, he realized it was pitch black, despite it being daytime. _Did they close the curtains or something? _"Hey guys?"  
There was a slight glow at the bottom. He came out and saw roughly six or seven Deltas gathered in a tight circle in the living room. An odd smell (a cross between wood smoke and blood) hung heavy in the air. The windows were sealed off with blankets, curtains, strips of cloth, whatever they could get. The Deltas all looked up at Hoover with blank faces.

"Um… afternoon…"

They just stared at him.

"I'm… going to go back upstairs now… you can continue… whatever it is you were doing."

"Wait. You can join us."

"NO NO NO that's okay!!"

--

"Can you sayyy… this letter?" Boon thrust up the letter 'A'.

The girl smiled and looked to the left.

"Can you sayyy… this letter?!" Next was 'B'. "Come on… whose name starts with B…"

She turned back to him, still smiling. She stuck one hand in her mouth and waved the other.

He covered his head with his arms, preparing to cry like a child.

--

Bluto stood in front of the deep fryer in the back of the kitchen, beer in hand. Pinto was too busy running around stuffing fries in little paper pockets and helping cranky customers, too many of them old people, to even notice that Bluto was in plain view if he just turned around.

"That's the deep fryer," the teenage worker said. He looked extremely bored with life, face apathetic, pale-colored eyes dead.

"No shit," Bluto inspected it. "So you just put stuff want to fry in there?"

"Yup,"

"Sounds simple enough,"

"You have no idea," The guy yawned. "I wish something exciting would happen." He took a seat near the fryer and began preparing pre-sliced potatoes to go in.

But Bluto's constantly impaired brain gears were hard at work. He liked fried stuff. He also liked beer a lot. Why not put two and two together…?

Bluto held the beer out above the fryer. He was about to tip it, but then remembered Safety first! And backed up a bit.

He didn't bother the guy next to him as he poured beer into the fryer.

--

"Can you sayyy… this word?" Boon had his same usual enthusiastic grin as before as he held up the card – he had scribbled out the word 'dog' and wrote in harsh black letters 'FUCK YOU'.


	3. Chapter 3

**The whole oil thing was avatarjk137, my cowriter/beta.**

**Who knew the Deltas were into witchcraft. Whatever works I suppose. **

**Anyway, it's over. I hope you enjoyed it. If not, I can totally see why. Stop yelling at me! D: **

**--**

"Voodoo dolls?" Hoover picked one up curiously. It had little strips of gray cloth wrapped around it to make it look like a suit. Along with this, somebody had drawn little angry face on its poorly sewn, cloth head. It wasn't hard to figure out who it was in Faber. "How do these work?"

"Well, it's a long, complicated process," one Delta said. "This Wormer model is our first voodoo doll. It's actually not done yet. We still need something."

"What?"

"A clump of his hair."

"How are you going to get that?"

"Well, that's why we wanted you to stick around, we need a favor…"

"…Uh…"

--

"NO WAY!" Otter clutched his shirt tightly. "You may be my boss or something for today, but that is one thing I absolutely refuse to do!"  
"Why not?" Marmalard asked, putting his lemonade aside. He crossed his legs, and parts of his argyle socks showed under his khakis. "Are you uncomfortable with yourself?" He was sitting on a lawn chair in the middle of a row of Omegas. Some had chairs, but the pledges got towels to sit on the grass.

"WELL, in front of a girl when I'm about to hump her is one thing…" Upset by the situation, Otter didn't bother to clean up his language. "But in front of YOU is quite another!!"

"Aren't you hot?"

"Mmmyyyehhh, rrrn't yoooo hhhhhrtttt?! M-hm-hm-hm-hm-hmmm."

"YEAH, okay, STOP, this is freaking me out." Otter tried to turn his attention back to the lawn mower. "I'll mow your lawn, I'll trim your hedges, I'll even paint your house, as long as the money is good… but I will **NOT TAKE MY SHIRT OFF WHILE DOING SO!!"**

--

"I can't believe you lost your job already," This was only the first sentence in the long chewing out session Katy had planned. She cleared her schedule for the rest of the day so she could really drag it out. "I mean, how hard is it to entertain little kids?"

"This kid was like some demon!" Boon protested. "She was really stupid!" he climbed into the passenger seat of her car. "Wait. Wait a second. Something's not right." He lowered the window and stuck his head out. "OH! You got the car a new paint job."

"No kidding. You like it?"

"Yeah, it's nice and… clean." Truth be told, he wasn't sure how she felt. Why did it have to be white?

She started the car, then paused, seemingly in thought. "What do you think it reminds you of?"

"Uh, snow. White stuff. Why'd you get _white _anyway?"

She smiled, more to herself, and drove out of the parking lot of the daycare.

"Oh wait… ohmygod… no…"

--

"Hurry up with my food!" Guy From Philadelphia demanded.

"Here!!" Frustrated, Pinto shoved the paper bag towards him.

"This isn't my food! This isn't even beef!"

"I don't even work here!"

"THEN GET ME SOMEONE WHO DOES!"

"I'm very sorry for the delay, sir!" Flounder appeared next to the cash register. "Now what would you like?"

"GIVE ME A CHEESE STEAK."

"WE DON'T HAVE THOSE HERE!" Pinto insisted. "LOOK AT THE MENU."

"Would you like me to try to mimic your cheese steak by putting onions on a cheeseburger?" Flounder asked, trying to be helpful. "I'll… sauté them."

"A cheeseburger with onions? A _cheeseburger…_ with _onions?_ SIR, you insult the Philly Cheese Steak name! You dare to try and _peddle_ your inferior, beefy crap to a…" This went on for some time. Let's check in with Bluto, shall we?

"AH, SHIT, MY FACE!" This outburst of pain came not from Bluto, but from the other worker at the fast food joint, who clearly wasn't ready for the crackling little beads of oil that were flying through the air since Bluto had begun to pour beer in the deep fryer. Miraculously, this oil was completely failing to come within Bluto's airspace and harm him (perhaps because no beer-related injury could ever befall him?).

"Be quiet, man, you're such a whiner!" Bluto said. "Now what happens if I deep-fry an _entire can?_" He only got wordless moaning as a reply. "Fine, I'll find out on my own." He dropped a can of beer in the deep fryer. Yes, he dropped in the whole unopened can. Then he dropped in a second, upside-down, for good measure.

It was about this time that Pinto, who knew what happens when you mix boiling oil and water-based liquids, made his way to the back of the kitchen again, looking to steal soda (_sooooo_ Delta-y!). "BLUTO! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" He asked as calmly as he could, his voice cracking a little.

--

Hoover walked awkwardly across the courtyard, in search of Dean Wormer. _I have a feeling this will end very badly… I hate this. I hate this. I hate this._

--

Boon pointed at the fast food restaurant. "Wait, I'm hungry. We can talk more about my getting a job later. Please. It's giving me gas."

"Like fast food won't do that."

"No, I have friends working here."

"…That has nothing to do with what I just said."

"I said we can talk jobs later."

--

"NO MEANS NO!!" Finally freaked out beyond reason, Otter just ran off Omega property. He had no idea where he was going, as long it was away from there. He hadn't even done any yard work, really. Was this how girls felt when he pursued them despite their clear disinterest? Was this payback of some sort?

--

Hoover was on his way to Dean Wormer's office, totally unsure of how these events would turn out (or how he was going to get a lock of Dean Wormer's hair right in front of his face) when a familiar voice in an unfamiliar tone interrupted him.

"HOOVER! WAIT, HOOVER, PLEASE!"

"Otter?!"

"Hoover!" Otter stopped short and was panting, eyes wild with fear, hands inexplicably tugging his shirt down, as if he was trying to hide himself. "You gotta help me! There are crazy Omegas looking to sexually harass me!" He grabbed the taller boy's sweater and shook him violently for effect.

"Okay! Okay! You can follow me. In fact, you can help me out with something…"

"Name it!"

"Help me get some of Dean Wormer's hair," Hoover held up a pair of scissors he had brought with him.

Fear gone, Otter smirked. "What? Why?"

"You don't ask why I need the hair, and I won't ask how you got sexually harassed."

"_Deal_!"

--

"GET DOWN!" Pinto tackled Bluto to the floor (which would have been impossible, except Bluto is in a near-eternal state of off-balance). At about the same time, one can ruptured from the heat and a surge of hot oil exploded up and out of the fryer. It would've hit Bluto's face, but thanks to Pinto's efforts, it landed on the crotch of the other fast-food employee instead, who began screaming even louder.

"You saved my life, Brother Pinto!" Bluto yelled in surprise, but it was drowned out by the screaming, which was also half-drowned out by the loud hissing of the beer and oil.

It could still be partially heard up front, though. "You're lucky we're the City of Brotherly Love, pal, because we could… what's with the screaming you have back there?!" Guy from Philly asked. "You… this isn't beef at all, is it?! You're trying to feed me PEOPLE! You're grinding up other people in the back and feeding them to the customers you hate, all because we're from Philly and we're better than you!"

Flounder was helpless to explain, luckily it was at this time that Boon walked through the door. "Hey, Flounder," Boon said pleasantly. "Where's Bluto? Is he causing that screaming?"

"YOU!" Philly-man turned, rounding on Boon and pointing an accusing finger at him. "I should've known you Deltas were behind this! I knew you were low, but CANNIBALISM!"

"Come again?"

"Thank goodness you're here, Brother Boon!" Flounder said, walking out from behind the counter. "This crazy guy from Omega is getting crazy, and Bluto's… he's doing something back there, Boon, and I don't know what!" Flounder began to cry.

Meanwhile, in the back. "Wasn't there another can in there?" Pinto asked. At this point, the beer can in question exploded up and out of the oil (which missed Bluto again, but just a tiny bit spattered on Pinto's back). The can's pop top had opened up, and now an oil-coated can flew across the room haphazardly as superheated beer shot out the other end. Fortunately, it flew towards the counter area instead of towards anything else flammable. More fortunately, Flounder had deserted his post at the register, because the can flew right through the area where his head would be, and missed him completely.

Guy from Philly wasn't so lucky, and a very hot aluminum can slammed into the back of his head with the concussive force of Neidermeyer's best right cross (if his fist was coated in 400 degree oil). Guy from Philly was immediately cold-cocked flat on his face, and a neat circular burn formed on the back of his head.

"I am so fired," Flounder whimpered.

"Oh shit! Before that happens, hurry! Get me free food!" Boon urged.

--

Dean Wormer sat comfortably in his air-conditioned office at his mahogany desk. He was pretending to work by mindlessly signing things; anything to avoid his wife, who demanded to know where the vodka was (which he had hidden once again). And just when he thought his day was going to continue to go by on a delightful, slow, uninterrupted pace…

"Sir, you have a couple of students here to see you," His secretary knocked on his door.

"What do they want?" he grumbled.

"Something about sexual harassment."

"Crap," Wormer mumbled to himself. Surely if he didn't answer, the city would hear about it. "Send her in."

"_Dean Wormer!_" Otter burst in. "I have a thing or two to say to you!" He put on his best angry face and wagged his finger. Hoover came in inconspicuously after Otter.

Dean Wormer shot up out of his seat. "WHAT? Stratton, get out of here!! I have no tolerance today for your brainless tomfoolery! You think you're so funny-"

"Dean Wormer, I assure you I am completely serious, and I bet the mayor would love to hear about you turning me away!"

"Ugh, fine! What do you want? And you over there, what are you here for?" On the last bit he was referring to Hoover.

"Moral support," Hoover nodded to Otter.

Before any further questions were asked, Otter came in. "I entered this college with an education in mind. A wholesome education, my degree in… uh… my degree! And when I got here I was obviously lured into a false sense of security by…!" As Otter launched further into a blown up speech about lies, crushed hopes, and a possible lawsuit, Hoover inched his way around Dean Wormer and his desk_. Carefully… slowly…_ Next, he came in closer to Dean Wormer. But he did it as slowly as possible, inching like a worm. _Carefully! … Slowly! …_ His nervousness was building as he held his scissors out. Otter shot him a glance; he was running out of charisma and his flamboyant speech was now dotted with pauses. _CAREFULLY! SLOWLLLLYYYYYY-_

"That's quite enough of you and your nonsense!!" Dean Wormer finally put an end to it when Otter said 'uh' for the first time. The sudden outburst from the previously quiet but scowling dean made Hoover flinch. He snipped, then jumped back to his previous position, hands behind his back, looking like nothing was wrong. He looked at the lock of hair. _Yay! _(Or, he WAS thinking 'yay', until he realized celebration over stealing some of Dean Wormer's hair meant his life had hit an all-time low.)

Dean Wormer's focus was still on Otter. "If you had really been sexually harassed, which I didn't hear a single mention of in your bullshit speech, you wouldn'tbe strutting your stuff in a bullshit speech!"

"Yeeeeessss, buuuuuuut…" Stalling, Otter glanced at Hoover and saw him staring at the hair, unbelieving of what he had done. "ButIthinkit'stimewegotoutofOkayBYE!" Otter grabbed Hoover and led them out the door. But he didn't warn Hoover…

"WAIT."

"CAN'TWAITHAVEANAPPOINT-"

"What's that in your hand?..." But Dean Wormer was able to put two and two together as he slowly put his hand to the back of his head before getting an answer.

--

"Look! Freebies!" Boon happily thrust the hot bag of food at Katy as he jumped into her car.

"You didn't manipulate your poor friend into giving you free food, did you?"

"Of course I did!" He grabbed the fries first. "Eat, they're beer-battered." They began to eat in silence, but she soon broke it. "So, I'm going away this weekend."

"To see one of your other five boyfriends?"

"To my sister's wedding." She smiled widely.

He froze with one fry partially sticking out of his mouth. "Uh… cool… wasn't aware she was-"

"I love weddings…" She turned to him, still smiling.

"Uhhhhhhh… eeeewkay…" _ABANDON SHIP! _"This is getting a little, you know, uncomfortable, so I'm just gonna HELP ME GOD SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF HERE!" He frantically clicked the door's handle, knocking fries all over the place.

Somehow she had locked his door in anticipation of this reaction. He jumped over into the back seat. She grabbed his shirt, trying to pull him back as he tried to get away. "Dammit, CALM DOWN. We can handle this discussion like adults!"

"NO MEANS NO!!"

--

"I don't know about the rest of you, but I had fun today!" A thoroughly upbeat D-Day marched across the half-full Delta House living room with a beer, flopping beside Hoover and Otter on the stained couch. Otter was rubbing his cheek with a pained face. Pinto was in the armchair without any real identifiable emotion on his face, except perhaps fatigue. Bluto had a beer… no shit. Boon had taken a seat on the floor, looking slightly wide-eyed and nervously twiddling his thumbs but other than that nothing abnormal.

"Where's Flounder?" D-Day asked.

"Upstairs crying. He lost his job." Pinto said.

"What's with you?" D-Day asked a dejected-looking Hoover next.

"Is it even possible to have permanent detention?" Hoover asked in return, more of a rhetorical question than anything else.

"I didn't even know we still got detention!" Bluto said. "I've been told I've had that probably… man, I've lost count, but I thought they were joking…"

"Stop complaining!" Otter snapped. "He just slapped me. Like girls do. God, I've been violated twice on one day."

Boon snickered. "What was the first ti-"

"I hear Katy coming for y-"

"OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!" Boon ran upstairs with shocking speed.

"I seem to have missed something," D-Day found that action mildly entertaining.

"Yeah, you did!!" Pinto sprang to life. "I saved Bluto's life!"

D-Day snorted. "You? Save his life? Save anybody's life?"

Otter snickered.

"Yeah, I don't recall that at all," Bluto looked away in thought. "What are you talking about?"

Pinto's mouth dropped indignantly. "The can…?!"

Silence.

"Remember?! You fried beer cans!"

Even Hoover laughed at this.

"You're crazy," Bluto laughed, bringing up a four-man chorus of laughing (at Pinto).

"I'm certainly on my way," Pinto muttered


End file.
